My name is Tracey and I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol,   Family traditions are very important in my family.  We celebrate all of the holidays, family birthdays, we have potlucks and the tradition of alcoholism ran rampant for generations.  Dysfunction and chaos was our family norm.  My parents fought during their marriage, after they were divorced for years and I was the keeper of the family secrets.   The hole in my soul grew bigger and bigger—it was filled with shame, humiliation and loneliness.  I was so unhappy!  When I was 16, I found a way to fill up that hole in my soul—if I put alcohol or marijuana in my system the pain went away.  I grew to depend on my new “friends” to make my life more tolerable.  My life seemed fun, exciting and my point of reference was my “growing up years”—how was I to know this was not the norm?   At 21, I fell in love with my cocaine dealer.  My life really took on new excitement and meaning!  I didn’t know who I loved the most; the cocaine or the dealer.  Two years later the three of us got married.  The only problem was my new husband took his grown up role of a husband WAY to seriously, he stopped doing coke, he stopped dealing coke, got a job and expected me to settle down and become a wife.  I became pregnant, but I could not stop using.  I had to sneak around, spend household money and lie about it, make sure my husband didn’t find out, pray my child was normal and I was scared to death.  I couldn’t stop using!  My fear finally allowed me to quit when I was 4 months pregnant.  I was able to stay quit until she was born.  Within two weeks after her birth, I was introduced to meth.  I was a stay at home mom and able to get high and come down, by the time my husband got home.  That was my life for about a year and a half.  I thought my life was manageable, functional and normal!  My husband started his own business; we built a beautiful home, made a lot of money and fought a lot.  It seemed normal to me for parents to fight, I just wanted him to leave me alone and let me have my wonderful life.  He had caught me using drugs a few times and began to distrust me.  Then I got pregnant with my second child.  Once again I couldn’t stop using, I had to sneak around, spend household money, lie about it, make sure my husband didn’t find out, pray my child was normal and I was scared to death.  I couldn’t stop using!  My fear finally allowed me to quit when I was 4 months pregnant.  I was able to stay quit until she was born.  The week she was born, I started using again and with in 10 months, I was asked to leave my home, my husband and my children, BY THE POLICE!  So I did!   My life went down hill, fast.  The hole in my soul was so big at that point; I couldn’t live with myself unless I was high and out of my “right” mind.  I began shooting meth, lived on the streets, and stayed high.  I lost contact with my husband, my children and my family.  I started to get sick.  I thought something was really wrong with me, but I couldn’t stop doing dope long enough to take care of my health.  I got sicker and sicker, ended up in the emergency room, with abscesses throughout my body.  My stomach, my intestines, my ovaries, most of my insides were infected.  They thought I was going to die and called my family to the hospital.  When I woke up from surgery, my family was at my side, praying for my recovery.     Family traditions are very important in my family.  We celebrate all of the holidays, family birthdays, we have potlucks and the tradition of recovery runs rampant now days.  I had the example of my family to understand recovery is possible, but I knew I couldn’t return to my life as I knew it.  I went to live with my family for about a month, exploring my way back into society.  I found transitional housing and moved into a house with recovering women and together we found recovery.    Today I have three years in recovery, I have custody of my children, I am employed, I pay taxes, I am a Co-Chair with the Recovery Association Project, a member of my church, I am a volunteer in a correctional facility, facilitating a recovery group and I am a contributing, productive member of society.  The hole is my soul has finally been filled with a power Greater than myself.  I have come from hopelessness to a woman with hope!    For me to find this place in my life, I needed support, clean and sober housing and guides (mentors) to show me the way.  I received that gift and now I can pass it on to others.  My job as a woman in recovery is to “Trust God, clean house and help others.”  I hope my story has helped you to understand a little about the disease of addiction and the joy of recovery.   For more information, please contact the Recovery Association Project, 503.234.3133 www.rap-nw.org        8/04/ClarkCountyRAP